# Dating Patterns

> Plain-language explainers on why dating repeats, built from published research. Every article lists its sources and the date it was last checked.

Dating Patterns explains the recurring ways people choose, react and leave in dating, and why those patterns can survive a change of partner.
We write from published research and named experts, show our sources on every page, and update articles when the evidence changes.
Dating Patterns is published by BUMIS, a private dating mirror app. It is general information, not therapy or medical advice.

Publisher: BUMIS (https://getbumis.com). BUMIS: Your Dating Mirror, a private app for seeing your own dating patterns.
Every article lists its sources, author, publish date and last-updated date. General information, not therapy or professional advice.

## Articles

- [Why can a breakup feel like withdrawal?](https://datingpatterns.com/brutal-breakup/why-a-breakup-can-feel-like-withdrawal/): Brain imaging links romantic rejection to reward and craving systems, which helps explain the pull to check, replay and reach out after a breakup. (Brutal breakup, updated 2026-10-01)

## By the numbers

- 30% of U.S. adults have ever used a dating site or app. Source: Pew Research Center, The who, where and why of online dating in the U.S. (2023; 6,034 U.S. adults, July 2022): https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/02/02/the-who-where-and-why-of-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
- 39% of U.S. singles have used AI somewhere in their dating lives, most often for messages and profiles. Source: Kinsey Institute and Match, Singles in America, 15th annual Singles in America study (2026; About 5,000 U.S. singles): https://mtch.com/news/match-unveils-15th-annual-singles-in-america-study/
- 78% of recent dating app users have felt burned out by the apps at least sometimes. Source: Forbes Health and OnePoll, reported by Deseret News, Dating app burnout survey (2024; 1,000 U.S. adults who used a dating app in the past year): https://www.deseret.com/lifestyle/2024/09/04/dating-app-burnout/
- 1 in 3 unmarried adults ages 22 to 35 are actively dating. Source: Wheatley Institute and Institute for Family Studies, The Dating Recession (State of Our Unions 2026) (2026; 5,275 unmarried U.S. adults ages 22 to 35): https://wheatley.byu.edu/0000019c-4505-d61f-a3dc-dd478a270001/datingrecession-pdf

## Further reading (other publishers)

Hand-picked outside sources we point readers to. Linked, not copied.

- [Heartbroken? There's a scientific reason why breaking up feels so rotten](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/02/01/1077235872/heartbroken-theres-a-scientific-reason-why-breaking-up-feels-so-rotten): NPR, 2022. Explains why a breakup can throw off sleep, appetite and mood, and why the pain is physical as well as emotional.
- [The power and prevalence of loneliness](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-power-and-prevalence-of-loneliness-2017011310977): Harvard Health Publishing, 2017. A short medical overview of how common loneliness is and why it matters for both mental and physical health.
- [Chemistry Between People: A Sum of Their Connections](https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/chemistry-relationships): Association for Psychological Science. Shows that chemistry grows out of how two people interact over time, not out of a checklist of traits.
- [It's complicated: Our relationship with texting](https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/08/relationship-texting): American Psychological Association, 2018. Research findings on how texting habits relate to how close and satisfied people feel with a partner.
- [Situationships: What They Are and 5 Signs You're In One](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship): Cleveland Clinic. A clear definition of the undefined relationship, the signs you are in one, and what the ambiguity costs you.
- [Dating and relationships: Key findings on views and experiences in the US](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/): Pew Research Center, 2020. National survey data on how Americans see dating today, including why many singles say it has gotten harder.
- [The full list, by topic](https://datingpatterns.com/reading/)

## Tools

- [8-question dating pattern check](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/): runs in the browser, stores nothing, returns one of 9 public pattern cards.
- [Full Speed](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/full-speed/): You feel it early and you let yourself run with it.
- [Slow Burn](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/slow-burn/): You wait until you are sure, and you are rarely sure early.
- [Clear Sky](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/clear-sky/): Not knowing where you stand is the hardest part for you.
- [Open Ended](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/open-ended/): You are comfortable letting things stay undefined.
- [Home Pull](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/home-pull/): You are drawn to a feeling you already know.
- [New Horizon](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/new-horizon/): You go looking for something different each time.
- [Long Goodbye](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/long-goodbye/): You stay past the point where it stopped working.
- [Clean Break](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/clean-break/): When it is over, you are gone.
- [Even Keel](https://datingpatterns.com/quiz/even-keel/): No single lean stands out in your answers.

## Experts

- Alexandra H. Solomon (Credentialed source): Relational self awareness, dating and building lasting relationships, drawn from her couples work and her Northwestern course. Licensed clinical psychologist; adjunct professor, School of Education and Social Policy, Northwestern University. Profiles: Instagram @dr.alexandra.solomon (https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Bella DePaulo (Credentialed source): Research and writing on single life, including people who choose to stay single and live full lives on their own terms. Social psychologist (PhD, Harvard); academic affiliate, Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences, UC Santa Barbara. Profiles: X @belladepaulo (https://x.com/belladepaulo). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Eli J. Finkel (Credentialed source): Research on how modern marriage and long term relationships work, and what partners expect from each other. Professor of Psychology and of Management and Organizations, Northwestern University; director of the Relationships and Motivation Lab. Profiles: X @EliJFinkel (https://x.com/EliJFinkel). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Esther Perel (Trending voice): Desire, infidelity and the tensions inside long term relationships, often through real couples sessions on her podcast. Profiles: Instagram @estherperelofficial (https://www.instagram.com/estherperelofficial/); TikTok @estherperel_official (https://www.tiktok.com/@estherperel_official). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Julie Menanno (Credentialed source, Trending voice): How couples get stuck in conflict cycles and how to feel secure with a partner. Licensed marriage and family therapist (MA, LMFT, LCPC); author of Secure Love. Profiles: Instagram @thesecurerelationship (https://www.instagram.com/thesecurerelationship/); TikTok @thesecurerelationship (https://www.tiktok.com/@thesecurerelationship). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Justin J. Lehmiller (Credentialed source): Research on sex, desire, casual relationships and friends with benefits. Social psychologist (PhD, Purdue); Senior Research Fellow, The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University. Profiles: Instagram @justinjlehmiller (https://www.instagram.com/justinjlehmiller/); X @JustinLehmiller (https://x.com/JustinLehmiller). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Kate Anthony (Trending voice): Coaching and podcast conversations for women deciding whether to stay in or leave a marriage, and rebuilding life after divorce. Profiles: Instagram @thedivorcesurvivalguide (https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcesurvivalguide/); TikTok @thedivorcesurvivalguide (https://www.tiktok.com/@thedivorcesurvivalguide). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Lori Gottlieb (Credentialed source): What happens in the therapy room, including breakups, dating choices and the stories people tell about love. Psychotherapist; author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and The Atlantic's Dear Therapist column. Profiles: Instagram @lorigottlieb_author (https://www.instagram.com/lorigottlieb_author/). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Marisa G. Franco (Credentialed source): Friendship, loneliness and belonging, and how adults make and keep close friends. Licensed counseling psychologist; PhD in Counseling Psychology, University of Maryland, where she teaches. Profiles: Instagram @drmarisagfranco (https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Nedra Glover Tawwab (Credentialed source, Trending voice): Boundaries in relationships, family and friendship, and how to say what you need. Licensed therapist; founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling. Profiles: Instagram @nedratawwab (https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/); TikTok @nedratawwab (https://www.tiktok.com/@nedratawwab). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Pepper Schwartz (Credentialed source): Research and writing on love, sex and relationships, including dating and partnership later in life. Sociologist (PhD, Yale); Professor Emerita of Sociology, University of Washington. Profiles: Instagram @dr_pepper_schwartz (https://www.instagram.com/dr_pepper_schwartz/). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Ramani Durvasula (Credentialed source, Trending voice): Narcissistic and high conflict relationships, and recovering after leaving one. Licensed clinical psychologist; Professor Emerita of Psychology, California State University, Los Angeles. Profiles: Instagram @doctorramani (https://www.instagram.com/doctorramani/); TikTok @doctorramani (https://www.tiktok.com/@doctorramani). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Blaine Anderson (Trending voice): Dating coach for men who talks about dating app profiles, first dates, and how women experience modern dating. Profiles: Instagram @datingbyblaine (https://www.instagram.com/datingbyblaine/); TikTok @datingbyblaine (https://www.tiktok.com/@datingbyblaine). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Mark Groves (Trending voice): Relationship educator and podcast host who talks about codependent patterns, honesty, and building healthier connections. Profiles: Instagram @createthelove (https://www.instagram.com/createthelove/); TikTok @createthelove (https://www.tiktok.com/@createthelove). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Matthew Hussey (Trending voice): Dating and love life advice on raising your standards, confidence, and finding a partner, through his podcast, books and videos. Profiles: Instagram @thematthewhussey (https://www.instagram.com/thematthewhussey/); TikTok @thematthewhussey (https://www.tiktok.com/@thematthewhussey). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Paul C. Brunson (Trending voice): Matchmaker, TV host and author who talks about finding and keeping love, modern dating trends, and relationships at every stage of life. Profiles: Instagram @paulcbrunson (https://www.instagram.com/paulcbrunson/); TikTok @paulcbrunson (https://www.tiktok.com/@paulcbrunson). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Sabrina Zohar (Trending voice): Dating and relationship coach and podcast host who talks about anxious attachment, self-worth, and breaking repeating relationship patterns. Profiles: Instagram @sabrina.zohar (https://www.instagram.com/sabrina.zohar/); TikTok @sabrina.zohar (https://www.tiktok.com/@sabrina.zohar). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- Shan Boodram (Trending voice): Intimacy educator, author and podcast host who talks about dating, sex, desire, and building close relationships. Profiles: Instagram @shanboodram (https://www.instagram.com/shanboodram/); TikTok @shanboody (https://www.tiktok.com/@shanboody). Last checked 2026-10-01.
- [All experts and how we label them](https://datingpatterns.com/experts/)

## About

- [All articles, newest first](https://datingpatterns.com/articles/)
- [About Dating Patterns](https://datingpatterns.com/about/)

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